Too Much Closeness
An interesting article appeared today in the Op-Ed section of the New York Times entitled, "Too Close for Comfort," authored by Stephanie Coontz. With the recent news that married-couple households are now in the minority, she has been receiving many phone calls from people asking advice on how to strengthen their marriages. Rather than addressing that question, she suggests that we need to rethink the way that we currently view marriage as the emotional be-all and end-all for the partners. One of the many reasons for marital break-up is what one might call "emotional overload." Young people today are seeking not marriage partners so much as "soul mates." The search for a soul mate may sound romantic, but it is a setup for a failed marriage.
The solution that she recommends and with which I completely agree both as a pastor and a couples therapist is casting a wider net to have our emotional needs met. She writes, "we have also neglected our other relationships, placing too many burdens on a fragile institution and making social life poorer in the process. " By reaching out to friends, extended family, neighbors, etc., we can receive care that an overburdened spouse is unable to provide. As Coontz points out, for most of human history, marriage was not an intensely intimate affair where partners received most of the emotional support that they needed. Coontz writes, "Until 100 years ago, most societies agreed that it was dangerously antisocial, even pathologically self-absorbed, to elevate marital affection and nuclear-family ties above commitments to neighbors, extended kin, civic duty, and religion."
You can see how the fifth mark of discipleship, spiritual friendships, might help in this regard. I have been preaching and teaching about the importance to the Christian faith for developing and maintaining spiritual friends, Christian brothers and sisters with whom we can share our thoughts and feelings, share our heartaches and joys, confess our sins, receive encouragement, etc. By doing so, we not only strengthen our faith and the life of the church, we also may just help strengthen our marriages.
Given the prevalence of the idea of finding one's soul mate to marry and receive the overwhelming amount of emotional and spiritual support from this person, I wonder what you think about this? What has your experience been?
The solution that she recommends and with which I completely agree both as a pastor and a couples therapist is casting a wider net to have our emotional needs met. She writes, "we have also neglected our other relationships, placing too many burdens on a fragile institution and making social life poorer in the process. " By reaching out to friends, extended family, neighbors, etc., we can receive care that an overburdened spouse is unable to provide. As Coontz points out, for most of human history, marriage was not an intensely intimate affair where partners received most of the emotional support that they needed. Coontz writes, "Until 100 years ago, most societies agreed that it was dangerously antisocial, even pathologically self-absorbed, to elevate marital affection and nuclear-family ties above commitments to neighbors, extended kin, civic duty, and religion."
You can see how the fifth mark of discipleship, spiritual friendships, might help in this regard. I have been preaching and teaching about the importance to the Christian faith for developing and maintaining spiritual friends, Christian brothers and sisters with whom we can share our thoughts and feelings, share our heartaches and joys, confess our sins, receive encouragement, etc. By doing so, we not only strengthen our faith and the life of the church, we also may just help strengthen our marriages.
Given the prevalence of the idea of finding one's soul mate to marry and receive the overwhelming amount of emotional and spiritual support from this person, I wonder what you think about this? What has your experience been?
posted by UCC Medfield at 6:26 AM
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